Why Funeral Pre-Arrangement is Healthy
Death and funerals. Why are most of us so reluctant to face up to these important - and inevitable - issues? Eric Tappenden explains why overcoming our fear and addressing the idea of funeral pre-arrangement is a much healthier approach.
I’ve never had a family say: “I wish we hadn’t done that.” I’m referring to people who make funeral arrangements ahead of time. Most people make funeral pre-arrangements for themselves, to save their family both the cost and the burden of doing so at the time of death. Some families, however, make funeral arrangements in advance for elderly parents or siblings who may not have adult children or others to take care of this.
Research shows that, on average, a Canadian adult makes funeral arrangements once in a lifetime, usually for a parent or spouse. That means it is not something with which we have a lot of experience. And we certainly don’t learn about it in school, or talk about it socially. As a result, most people are surprised to learn that there are about 70 decisions and pieces of information that have to be made or gathered, usually within 24 hours of the death occurring. Since people are normally emotionally distraught, it may be the worst possible time to be making decisions that have lasting emotional consequences and that can cost thousands of dollars.
In my experience, having helped hundreds of families make funeral pre-arrangements, there are many reasons why arranging ahead of time makes ‘healthy’ common sense:
• Pre-arranging doesn’t take away any of the sadness of losing someone whom you loved, but it can allow you to make 90% of those 70 decisions ahead of time, so you can focus on your and your family’s emotional needs at the time of death.
• Pre-paying funeral arrangements removes the stress of worrying about how to cover the cost of the funeral, which may come at an unexpected time. It also reduces stress to know that the funds paid in advance are protected by a Government of Ontario administered fund.
• Funeral arrangements made in advance allow the family to come to a healthy consensus of ‘what is a good funeral in our family,’ when everyone is in good health and has the time to make rational decisions, rather than at a time of emotional upset.
• Pre-arranging allows you to think through options and issues carefully, and helps protect against emotional over-spending.
• Pre-arranging gives you and your family members peace of mind, knowing that these difficult decisions can be made ahead of time, blending your views of what you want with what your family feel they will need at the time you pass away.
As difficult as it may be, it is a wise family that ensures
everything is in place before the death occurs, because the emotional
upheaval of coping with a death is enough to bear by itself
without having to make all the difficult and usually permanent
decisions that are required.
Dr. Bill Webster
Dr. Bill Webster, one of Canada’s most distinguished grief counselors, in his article called A Tale of Two Funerals: How Pre-Planning Can Help Families Grieve Better, states: “From a grief therapist’s point of view, there is no doubt in my mind that grief is reconciled more effectively when the events around a death bring people together rather than driving them apart . . . There are many reasons people should prearrange, not least of which because it can assist in the healing process.(1)
Dr. Webster, who is a prolific writer, frequent speaker and front line counselor, speaks from his own experience of having lost his wife at a young age. He expands on what he means by assisting in the healing process: “Frequently, after a death, many people struggle with numerous ‘if only’s’. Having practical arrangements in place enables them to turn those ‘If only we had’ statements into ‘Thank goodness we did.’(2)
Once you summon the courage and will to pre-arrange, the process is relatively easy and brief. There is some paperwork to be done, deciding and communicating what a good funeral is in your family, and deciding how you want to pre-pay – all at once or over time. Funeral pre-arrangement is financially and practically a wise thing to do, but it is also an emotionally healthy thing to do.
Footnotes: (1) & (2) Webster, Dr. Bill, A Tale of Two Funerals: How Pre-Planning Can Help Families Grieve Better, in Canadian Funeral News, May 2005, pp. 50-51.
For further information, go to www.GriefJourney.com.
Eric C. Tappenden is the owner of Chapel Ridge Funeral Home & Cremation Centre in Markham. Eric is also a graduate social worker and past Vice Chair of Bereaved Families of Ontario – York Region. He is a frequent speaker on grief and bereavement. For more information on funeral pre-arrangement, contact Eric at 905-305-8508, or Katherine Downey, Pre-Planning Director at Chapel Ridge Funeral Home at 1-905-717-9197.
2600 John Street, Unit 207, Markham, ON L3R 3W3 T: 905.475.5222 F: 905.475.6369
