Having the 'Talk': How to discuss extra care
or relocation with your loved one
By Esther Goldstein, B.Sc, B.S.W., RSW
The transition from independence to dependence, from self-sufficiency to needing care, is difficult for everyone involved. Seniors often have trouble accepting their reliance on others for help. They may not want to address this with their children for fear of becoming a burden. Adult children often struggle to raise the issue without upsetting their aging parent. This becomes more complicated when the senior blocks discussion or refuses to recognize their need for assistance.
Unfortunately, this ranks as one of the more difficult conversations children need to have with their parents. But not talking about it will not make the problem go away. When discussion begins early, when the senior is still relatively healthy and independent, there is more time to make decisions and many more options to explore.
Talking about your concerns, before your loved one needs care or assistance, lets you get a sense of what they want without them questioning your motivation and without you making hasty decisions that may not be in their best interest. When acute illness or disability force the discussion, options are most likely fewer, and the luxury of time to find ‘the best place’ is gone.
Start the conversation by referring to someone you or they know who didn’t plan ahead, and ended up somewhere they didn’t want to be. Alternately, a discussion regarding the existence or creation of a Will or Power of Attorney may lead into a conversation about their future wishes.
If your loved one refuses to discuss future planning or your concerns, the task is more difficult, and may need the help of trusted friends, relatives, clergy or involved health care professionals, especially if health and/or safety issues become evident.
A competent person has the right to live at risk if they so desire, and as hard as it is to witness, it is still their right. No decision for relocation of any kind can or should be made without the consent and knowledge of the person involved, if they are competent.
For most, there is ‘no place like home’, so your first step should be to explore options that can help the person to remain in their own home, albeit with help or support. Sometimes if these options have been explored first and not deemed feasible (or found to be inadequate), it makes it easier for the senior to accept the possibility of moving into a care home.
It is important to listen and be supportive. Both the caregiver and the senior may experience a range of emotions throughout the process. Be open and honest, and problem-solve together. Discuss concerns, fears and feelings related to extra care and/or the possibility of moving. Be prepared before you raise the issue and your concerns – if possible, know the available options and costs. Present your ideas thoughtfully and focus on what you see as the greatest need for the senior. Involve important/trusted family members in the process to assist with both emotional support and practical tasks. Research available services for seniors in their area. Your local Community Care Access Centre (CCAC) or seniors’ support/community agency may be able to help you with this.
If the process appears overwhelming, approach it in stages with different options being addressed each time. Allowing adequate time for acceptance and trial and error is of paramount importance in getting the person to consent to care and assistance.
If relocation is the ultimate decision and involves selling the family home and possessions, this exercise may prove extremely stressful for both the senior, and the caregivers who themselves may have a fondness for the home they grew up in. Moving will not erase memories connected to the house or its contents.
Allow the search for, and move to, a new home to be a co-operative process. To assist your loved one in feeling a sense of control over their life and future, involve them in the decision-making as much as possible. This will help with their adjustment to their new surroundings and decrease anxiety and depression before and after the move.
As difficult as ‘having the talk’ may seem, not having it can be so much worse. Discussing it (if all involved are open to it) can create a sense of relief for both parties. Often we assume things based on our own fears rather than on our actual knowledge. The only way to attempt to deal with concerns and caregiving challenges is with patience, planning and good communication.
Next issue – Downsizing Tips and Relocation Basics
Esther Goldstein, B.Sc., B.S.W., RSW is a former acute care hospital social worker and the author of the Comprehensive Guide to Retirement Living®, now in its 12th edition. She also administers the affiliated national website senioropolis.com and lectures on Eldercare issues in various venues. For further information on this and other topics related to seniors and relocation, visit senioropolis.com
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